If love is the answer
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Change the facts
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts
I wear a necklace
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down
Can housework kill?
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
I like children
I like children - fried
People who think they know everything
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do
Where is grandmother?
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now. And we don't know where the hell she is.
Harder for the average ape
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man
That is relativity
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hours. That's relativity.
I have never been hurt
I have never been hurt by what I have not said
A word to the wise
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice.
I used to jog
I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
A successful man is …
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
My fake plants died
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them
People who mistake their imagination
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
People who don’t drink
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
He taught me housekeeping
He taught me housekeeping. When I divorce I keep the house!
Life gives you lemons
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Cleanliness becomes more important
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
Do not take life too seriously
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
I bought some batteries
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Behind every great man is …
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes
What is an Astronaut’s favorite part on a computer?
What is an astronaut's favorite part on a computer? The space bar.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type".
Stolen calendar
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
Marriages are made in heaven, Nathalie Venken
Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. I dedicate this letterboard to my wife, Nathalie Venken, who is married to me for 25 years, exactly today! With Love, your husband, Kurt.
Why did the gym close down?
Why did the gym close down? It just didn't work out!
Sue the airport
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
How does Moses make tea?
How does Moses make tea? He brews.
How to drown a hipster?
How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.
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