When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Only one way to look thin
I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.
Every man’s dream
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling her hands
Always end the name of your child with a vowel
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name the name will carry.
Enjoy ironing
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron
Blenders are like childs
A two year old is kind of having a blender, but you don't have a top for it
Baby boomers
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers
Afraid of heights
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
Age does not matter
Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese
A woman’s mind is clean
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
4 Major guilt groups
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups
Menu with 2 choices
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices. Take it or leave it.