When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hours. That's relativity.
I have never been hurt
I have never been hurt by what I have not said
A word to the wise
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice.
I used to jog
I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
A successful man is …
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
My fake plants died
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them
People who mistake their imagination
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
People who don’t drink
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
He taught me housekeeping
He taught me housekeeping. When I divorce I keep the house!
Life gives you lemons
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Cleanliness becomes more important
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
Do not take life too seriously
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.