If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late
Your last haircut
You're only as good as your last haircut
Buy stock
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him 'at my age, I don't even buy green bananas'
To live again
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner
I was an unwanted baby
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio
Men are loyal
Men are only as loyal as their options
Snowwhite
I used to be snow white, but I drifted
Marriage is wonderful
Marriage is a wonderful institution but who would want to live in an institution?
Three things a women needs
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments
Television
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Nickels and dimes
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore
My age
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.