The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby
Family tree
I looked up the family tree and found out I was the sap
Raising children
Everybody knows how to raise children. Except the people who have them
Mr Right
When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.
I cook with wine
I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
If it jiggles …
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Considerable knowlegde
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance
Have a thought
The next time you have a thought... let it go
Long walks
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me
Weather forecast for tonight
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
Profound influence
My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Wanted to be somebody
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.