Eat health food
Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get.
Blame your parents
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
Distrust camels
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink
Brought up to respect the conventions
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid It did.
Never die for my beliefs
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong
Experience
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name
Definition of an intellectual
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell overture without thinking of the lone ranger
Get there in a car
Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car
Crisis
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Go to Switzerland
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives
Car windows
Never have more children than you have car windows
James Cagney love scene
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live
A pessimist
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists
Never raise your hand to your children
Never raise your hand to your children. It eaves your midsection unprotected.
Avoiding temptation
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
One man’s folly
One man's folly is another man's wife
Any kid will run
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime
Don’t forget mother’s day
Don't forget mother's day r as they call it in Beverly Hills, dad's third wife day
A child of five
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Kid’s next door
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend
Endure adversity
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's I mean.
Boy, those french
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
All people are born alike
All people are born alike. Except republicans and democrats.
Children leave home
You see much more of your children once they leave home
Happiness
Happiness is having a large loving, caring, close-knit family in another city
Chewing gum
TV is chewing gum for the eyes
Friend on a diet
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat
Chess team
I failed to make the chess team because of my height
Definition of frisbeetarianism
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck
The future of the human race
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle I no loner despair for the future of the human race
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