Be thankfull
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for
Be obscure clearly
Be obscure clearly
Haven’t spoken to my wife in years
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
A sin becomes a disease
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease
Organized political party
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a democrat.
California is a fine place to live
California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange
I love deadlines
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by
About the Dead sea
When I was a boy, the dead sea was only sick
I agree with you
I'm sorry. If you were right, I'd agree with you
Diamonds on the floor
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor
Refuse to join
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member
Balanced diet
Food is an important part of a balanced diet
Lead a man to congress
You can lead a man to congress, but you can't make him think
My films
I have a love interest in every one of my films. A gun.
Life is hard
Life is hard. After all, it kills you
Hair is done in the library
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library
Living forever
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
I hate housework
You make the beds, you do the dishes and six month later you have to start all over again
Not afraid of death
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I said nothing
Drawing on my fine command of the the English language, I said nothing
Refuse to take your questions
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement
An accountant
People always ask me, "Were you funny as a child?". Well, no, I was an accountant.
Organized lightning
Electricity is really just organized lightning
Jigsaw puzzle of 40,000 pieces
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says "Go outside!".
See through women
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot
Knowledge
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Sleep late
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late
Your last haircut
You're only as good as your last haircut
Buy stock
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him 'at my age, I don't even buy green bananas'
To live again
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner
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