Profound influence
My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Wanted to be somebody
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Talk to God
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Only one way to look thin
I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.
Every man’s dream
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling her hands
Always end the name of your child with a vowel
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name the name will carry.
Enjoy ironing
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron
Blenders are like childs
A two year old is kind of having a blender, but you don't have a top for it
Baby boomers
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers
Afraid of heights
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
Age does not matter
Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese
A woman’s mind is clean
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
4 Major guilt groups
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups
Menu with 2 choices
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices. Take it or leave it.
A girl can be glamorous
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Government that robs
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul
A day without sunshine
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
God loves us
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy
I deserved my enemies
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends
Discipline parents properly
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly
Seasickness
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree
Cross country skiing is great
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country
The world is full of magical things
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper
A fact about the amount of news
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper
Undaunted in my quest to amuse
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair
Gets you through the night
I'm for whatever gets you through the night
O Lord help me to be pure
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Get your facts first
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please
I’m not a real movie star
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hours. That's relativity.
Choose between two evils
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before
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